Alone uh!...No its lonesomeness!

It was one of the long hour phone call I had with my baba,that usually takes place on Sunday. My ma claims I have inherited everything from her (as if Im parthenocarpic) but it seems I have got the dominant 'gene of speaking' from my dad.
Literally 'of speaking less'.
What is the reason behind bringing the topic of speaking is, I love to be alone.At times I just stare at my phone even though Im geting a call and learning about it however, this news was been transferred to baba's. He is himself an introvert though not a loner.
I have always had a problem with the word alone or loner and also I dread about lifelong confinement as marriage.
 So when he asked me, I thought he will start searching for the reason and parents blaming an animal called boyfriend for anything wrong in their daughter's life is an Indian standard law. But, to my surprise we had an excellent conversation about the relativeness of being lonely and how it changes with our age. We had an argument of it to call lonesomeness.
He though speaks less and has very few measures to express himself (may be we have never provided him) told what Im trying to concise in brief.
Alone, loneliness, loner, lonesomeness,loneliness,alone are like the phases of human life and it has a circle like life and death.
We are born alone, suffer from loneliness when our loved ones leave us, act like a loner in crowd and their creeps an awesomeness of being lone i.e we start loving it as if we were seeking for it,here we are in the phase called lonesomeness. Slowly with age, loneliness subsides the awesomeness, we become weak and dependent and atlast we die alone.
I know it might sound absurd but he never had sound so true. It might be bit depressing as I have brought up with a very negative kind of topic.
In a lighter note, he had some more thing to tell. As Im in phase 4 and he is somewhere between phase 5 and 6 , he wishes me to be prepared for the next two phase which might be terrible.
Do you want to marry or already have someone fixed??
P.S. Wow! My dad just have won the prize for changing my amusement to disappointment ! Ive underestimated his expression it seems.

Happy 'weird' Anniversary to me !!

Well,Its so weird...sigh!
When its just perfect and you have everything you wanted ever, you just don't need it, you feel like its not for you as if you were never seeking for it.
I wanted to just walk away from it like its not what I want or ever wanted.
Every other thing seems more important than to be a part of it, my first ever anniversary.
Yes! An achievement for a confused person like me. But if I look back, we hardly fought like  grown ups, all other tiffs were like arguments which I would have witnessed with any other unbiased friend of mine.
Look at me,awake this late to update my blog about my stupid feelings or random thoughts...whatever, when my guy is busy making my day worth by getting some good sleep with his exams on one side and our day on other side. We are going to be out for a official 'date' except their wont be any official offcourse (very wrong pj at right moment)
I mean I have always wanted to be a part of this feeling, that is being loved like Im the one and only one for that person. Its not that I have not been in a relationship ever but that all lacked all the biology chemistry, spirituality or whatever and also I wasnt into it like I am this time.
Now that I have him, I want to be alone once again. I want to travel...alone, watch movie...alone, shop, eat lunch and everything with myself. I dread his company for God knows why !!!
Although I have lost my sanity, still... Happy Anniversary to me.
P.S.- I have capability to ruin my own world. Beware! Before taking me as an inspiration( Ah! I owe to my name lol)

Being beautiful !!

My personal confrontance with the title is quite rare in eyes of people; my faculties, mates. They think I dont take proper time to groom myself as a part of a girlie routine-my hair unbrushed, my dull shaded clothes are equivalent to or usually resembles my night wear. Sometimes they are same for whole week.
To them, I dont mind if you say this but I mind when you say Im frustrated.
I dont believe " beauty lies in the eyes of beholder". To me, Im beautiful with my own flaws since its my own.
To others free-living being, watch this video.
http://m.youtube.com/watch?index=2&v=5aeTuWQ-uSk&list=UUhAlpEbfW1y9auiBC08ZwGQ

life is a bitch !

For past few months I just stare at my diary with a pen in my hand thinking of how to start, everytime I think of a perfect line to start with and end up writing gibberish, may be that has nothing to do with my thoughts.
Things are just choked below my throat that come up either as tears of grief that just wets my pillow or anger, a lot of anger that ends up spoiling me mostly.
I feel devastated...feeling to express devastates me.
I try not to think, not to act neither speak about it to anyone. Im so unsure about the reasons that sometimes I feel I have some psychological problems. Its just may be Im unable to deal with it.
The feeling of being unimportant in someone's life, whom I thought most important at once kills me everytime..may be the importance of that person is still same just poorly expressed.
May be I dont have a sibling but I understand the meaning of sharing. But what if my existence fades away in others presence and I just remain a mere name.
The closer she came crossing the distance, the distant she became for me. Where love becomes responsibility and responsibility is just forced duty out of no emotions attached.
I had nightmares of loosing her in person, used to get scared when she used to sing songs whose lyrics had absence or early demise of mother...Im still scared of loosing her, not in person though.
I fear her presence erased from my mind.
Life is indeed  a bitch!
P.S- IS MY FEAR LEGIT??

Soshti!

After much of melodrama and so many excuses , Im coming home today.
But the excitement is nowhere.
Reasons ??
May be above 4hrs stay at Mumbai airport while a sleepless hard week had passed by.( I miss mom had stayed)
May be reading abhi's blog of death , desertion made me sad( I dont feel sadness anyway)
The right reason may be Im grown up....emotionless.
Neverthless, Happy pujo.

Too much smiles to cover the pains underneath, a way more words prancing in conversation to cut through from the details, the tiffs and fights to vaccumise the Mind adsorbing what it might. Im  not....like me with time

Adjust till you fall apart

Do I really the real I ?

The name of my blog struck me today with a never asked question.
"Do I know me? "
 "I see a new me each day"...my quick reply to myself mostly an escapade from thought series.

I know this answer can never satisfy my inner trouble.

Ever since I started pondering over my past decade with the night falls..yes decade for me!,. I choke myself with tearless grief, hug the pillow harder, think of people I can call and share the history that I never wish to repeat then realise no one can reciprocate the grief and later try to deprive myself from those memories saying 'Its over' without any written proof so that I never re-read and cry.
Im an independent strong women.I prefer to bit pillow and howl than to cry aloud.

I always have a fantasy world which has a picture perfect end and every time I met someone of that kind...I dreamt much more and ahead.

Again, like everytime I have moved to cord line.Coming back to the arose question...I know me in pieces.

School era-The dumb me
As for every person school days are golden days of life. I never had golden days yet, nothing close to silver even...may be pretty dull like iron. I was kind of dumb and simple and those days were spent in never accomplished dreams. Few friends, much few to call friends even still I believe I grew up from then...much from within.

BANGALORE DIARY-The unknown me
I was not so happy to bagpack to Bengaluru at the first but had nothing such that can hold me back, I left. I left many I love and one I call my lover. Sooner life changed like microbial growth curve (I meant parabola ).
The pain shattered me and six months of self-confinement released me from the cause though sooner I was proved to be wrong.The stationery phase was miserable as I did choose to change, not me but memories with new.
Sometimes to overcome the poison we need poison as antidote.

Once again within months I found myself trapped in a Bollywood movie kind story, I played the role..yes! I thought I should settle down though knowing that I cant be the submissive.
I wish the story unveiled soon could have been deleted leaving me much peaceful today. Its the part that is the cause of most of my premature cell death.
I have asked innumerable Why's each time it crosses my mind. I never deserved such ruthlessness from loved one.

I know this writing is much of a monologue, even Im bored to continue more.Im distracting from the point once again.
With time, people arrived and left with much fuss but I believed in a better tomorrow each day. I saw better days though not best. I became patient but careless, lovable but emotionless.

To my much surprise, Im loved even though I dont know Ill feel to speak or meet the person the next time. I have no affection,addiction or attraction towards someone or claim ones attention.

Every seconds seemed stranger after a minute.
Even this me is different from that me not knowing who is the real me as I have known,seen,suffered,got lost,grieved and lived with each me.
P.S. - Do I really need to wake up in the middle of the night just to search my diary to write about me at that span of time?? Im sure its not required untill and unless Im ready to meet some more shades of me.