Tuesday, June 16, 2015
Too much is my worth!
Recently while dissecting the last few Drosophila larvae in a practice session for my final year practical, a friend of mine told me... ' Do you realise we are jobless literate now? '
My reaction was so what... I was in the same pool before too after completing my Bsc,but then I realise it wasn't so. I had my mind fixed on doing my masters. This time I have options but not a choosen path, so literally Im middle of nowhere.
And then my guy, who is tired of all the induction session ( standing for 6 hrs out of 8 hrs ) made me mad at him just because I gave him suggestions of his mode of travel ( he thinks walking 2 km is easier than listening to me over phone). I think I don't worth this joblessness of showing excess thought for people who are already getting settled economically at least.
I won't care to care much.
Here Im pissed off with the hairline loss of the 1st rank in University but this random hoarding of some dabba institute where it was written-" Marks can give you a job but skills will get you a career" made me get some good feeling about myself.
Little relief to my remaining self esteem atlast.
May be the girl who will get the gold medal, be married off soon after Msc and will be a mother of two while I might be somewhere in Germany or USA completing my post doctorate as my guy might be fixing his alarm in India to get my call at 'my free' time.
Don't I worth this much?? ;)
Thursday, June 11, 2015
Who I belong to...
A lot of things had happened in this last 5 years, when I was and still continuing to be away from home, Kolkata.
I changed, people changed and specifically my family. I felt like going back to a guest house at Kolkata,where other than alot of bengali food in didar bari, sticky sweaty climate, few friends who dont remember to 'remember' or probably I try hard to keep them friends, many memories of teenage love and heartbreaks in those dark alleys... nothing actually calls me back to make me feel at home.
My family specially Sabita mashi gets a lot of workload when I come back. My dad loves me but somewhere he is stuck in my childhood and cant bear to see me all grown. My grandparents are too worried about their death and decreasing wealth that are needed for any major health issues...so they have forgotten to live now.
My mama is too busy to remember his 'chatu' who once saw the best friend in him.
The only thing I see everytime I come back is the number of new buildings in places where I used to play or ride on my bicycle.
I dont feel like coming back to Kolkata, I dont belong to her.
My guy thinks may be its because Ive always been difficult to befriend with till my 18th or probably its because ma was my main reason coming back home (who stays with me now at Bangalore).I feel neither.
Ive failed to create enough good memories for myself. I love the feeling of 'being home' at Kolkata but I dont miss when I come back as if life is good where, how I'm.
Time has taught me a lot of perseverance and I can introspect since I have been so detached whether its my city, home,college, friends or family...Ill never be out of place or homesick.
Seriously Ive failed to draw the rainbow over cloud.
My sulking would have persisted if not Ive been happy about my guy and his job offer.
Its temporary, I dont belong to him either (may be).
It seems my lonliness during my childhood, my bitterness in my teenage and maturity in my adulthood had made me a loner even in their presence today....honestly Ive outgrown of many rational feelings and what I want is to be left alone.
I changed, people changed and specifically my family. I felt like going back to a guest house at Kolkata,where other than alot of bengali food in didar bari, sticky sweaty climate, few friends who dont remember to 'remember' or probably I try hard to keep them friends, many memories of teenage love and heartbreaks in those dark alleys... nothing actually calls me back to make me feel at home.
My family specially Sabita mashi gets a lot of workload when I come back. My dad loves me but somewhere he is stuck in my childhood and cant bear to see me all grown. My grandparents are too worried about their death and decreasing wealth that are needed for any major health issues...so they have forgotten to live now.
My mama is too busy to remember his 'chatu' who once saw the best friend in him.
The only thing I see everytime I come back is the number of new buildings in places where I used to play or ride on my bicycle.
I dont feel like coming back to Kolkata, I dont belong to her.
My guy thinks may be its because Ive always been difficult to befriend with till my 18th or probably its because ma was my main reason coming back home (who stays with me now at Bangalore).I feel neither.
Ive failed to create enough good memories for myself. I love the feeling of 'being home' at Kolkata but I dont miss when I come back as if life is good where, how I'm.
Time has taught me a lot of perseverance and I can introspect since I have been so detached whether its my city, home,college, friends or family...Ill never be out of place or homesick.
Seriously Ive failed to draw the rainbow over cloud.
My sulking would have persisted if not Ive been happy about my guy and his job offer.
Its temporary, I dont belong to him either (may be).
It seems my lonliness during my childhood, my bitterness in my teenage and maturity in my adulthood had made me a loner even in their presence today....honestly Ive outgrown of many rational feelings and what I want is to be left alone.
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