Too much is my worth!

Recently while dissecting the last few Drosophila larvae in a practice session for my final year practical, a friend of mine told me... ' Do you realise we are jobless literate now? '
My reaction was so what... I was in the same pool before too after completing my Bsc,but then I realise it wasn't so. I had my mind fixed on doing my masters. This time I have options but not a choosen path, so literally Im middle of nowhere.
And then my guy, who is tired of all the induction session ( standing for 6 hrs out of 8 hrs ) made me mad at him just because I gave him suggestions of his mode of travel ( he thinks walking 2 km is easier than listening to me over phone). I think I don't worth this joblessness of showing excess thought  for people who are already getting settled economically at least.
I won't care to care much.
Here Im pissed off with the hairline loss of the 1st rank in University but this random hoarding of some dabba institute where it was written-" Marks can give you a job but skills will get you a career" made me get some good feeling about myself.
Little relief to my remaining self esteem atlast.
May be the girl who will get the  gold medal, be married off soon after Msc and will be a mother of two while I might be somewhere in Germany or USA completing my post doctorate as my guy might be fixing his alarm in India to get my call at 'my free' time.
Don't I worth this much?? ;)

Who I belong to...

A lot of things had happened in this last 5 years, when I was and still continuing to be away from home, Kolkata.
I changed, people changed and specifically my family. I felt like going back to a guest house at Kolkata,where other than  alot of bengali food in didar bari, sticky sweaty climate, few friends who dont remember to 'remember' or probably I try hard to keep them friends, many memories of teenage love and heartbreaks in those dark alleys... nothing actually calls me back to make me feel at home.
My family specially Sabita mashi gets a lot of workload when I come back. My dad loves me but somewhere he is stuck in my childhood and cant bear to see me all grown. My grandparents are too worried about their death and decreasing wealth that are needed for any major health issues...so they have forgotten to live now.
My mama is too busy to remember his 'chatu' who once saw the best friend in him.
The only thing I see everytime I come back is the number of new buildings in places where I used to play or ride on my bicycle.
I dont feel like coming back to Kolkata, I dont belong to her.
My guy thinks may be its because Ive always been difficult to befriend with till my 18th or probably its because ma was my main reason coming back home (who stays with me now at Bangalore).I feel neither.
Ive failed to create enough good memories for myself. I love the feeling of 'being home' at Kolkata but I dont miss when I come back as if life is good where, how I'm.
Time has taught me a lot of perseverance and I can introspect since I have been so detached whether its my city, home,college, friends or family...Ill never be out of place or homesick.
Seriously Ive failed to draw the rainbow over cloud.
My sulking would have persisted if not Ive been happy about my guy and his job offer.
Its temporary, I dont belong to him either (may be).
It seems my lonliness during my childhood, my bitterness in my teenage and maturity in my adulthood had made me a loner even in their presence today....honestly Ive outgrown of many rational feelings and what I want is to be left alone.
                                    

What I learned....

Life has given me a lot. A lot of ups and downs is what I might mean or the experiences. What I meant here is ; it made me better and not bitter.

Like many other people I had a lot of issues; issues related to innumerable 'why?' to a lot more 'why not!'. From right to wrong to my own prediction and presumption. I had spread a lot of negativity around that unfortunately was like a needle in haystack.

Now dealing with what I learned over time-

SORRY- yes! I understood the importance of this magical word if spoken even though its not a mistake of mine, can work like a candle in dark room. Taking responsibility of a problem is the best way, not only it saves argument but also keeps the peace of mind. It might even happen the opponent understands his/her mistake. I learned to say sorry while it doesn't matter who should be saying so.

I AM ME- sometimes time makes you idealize someone better and sometimes it just make you feel less. I've been in this phase until I learned their is another everyone but not me. I'm me, Prerana. I can take their journey as a milestone but I cant be one of them. They are a part of my development and not self-pity. I would always be happy to be me.

BEING HAPPY- even though calamity strikes, one in real distress often find solace if their near ones are happy. I took this job to be happy myself, so that people around not only get a reason to be so but also try the same on others.

NO PRE-CONCEPTION- some incident that might happen shouldn't take away my peace. I have stopped judging the space between the two lines and have ceased the tomorrow's worry to disturb my today's smile. Sometimes we tend to over-think a situation but we forget that their is always a probability. I believe certain things should be kept as it is and should be dealt one at a time.

BEING A PEST- over protectiveness and possessiveness often make us a trouble to our own life. People are responsible for their own happiness or sadness, I cant prevent either just by being their near ones. I can suggest but cant direct anyone's choice. So the best part to keep any relation safe is thinking it like sand, if you press too tight, it will fall.

LESS EXPECTATION- this is a very hard job when you are close to someone in any relativeness. I might not pass completely in this test but I have been through it to a certain extent. Priority matters not that how much importance Im given. I try to feel the best in least amount of affection provided.

P.S.- I'll learn much more as I age to be a better me, in seeing and understanding the silver lining of each cloud and cherishing the life beyond the horizon.

last few days...!

Months back, a friend of mine from school had started the countdown of the last few days in her college at facebook. I couldn't feel then and felt "Amar eishob nostalgia nei". Today its the last Saturday I would have been in college uniform that I hate the most. I preferred not to wear though.

I remember how I turned from being a illi madi to a gym girl to Peru, the model organism of Genetics Department. Pavana mam is going to miss giving live examples of all diseases probably.

Within a couple of days Ill be at home for study leave and its over. Did I really slept through this semester ? I wish I could say its not over yet.

Wait a minute, am I going to feel the same and not be a stereotype? Im going to miss out so many things. I might jot down few what or who Im going to re-think.

• Bunking classes for sleeping and spending time at home would top the priority list
• Excuses of my gaining weight and not wearing the uniform ( I hate it still)
• Getting intimidated as well as knowing a different person in Pavana Mam. I love her smile.
• Raji mam and the colorful drawing with the evergreen smile. Arpita mam and bong connection ( I hardly spoke with her in Bangla ). My fat elephant mam, Kriti mam and the student I see in her (Im surely going to attend your wedding). Ashok Sir tried a lot to fit in this jigsaw puzzle though he aways made me miss Sam Sir more. Still you stand through all our complains with your patient smile.
• Ill miss the Drosophila , the labs , my complains about my classmates and so many more.
• The PNPC with Swapnadeepa ( she will always be- ma amar) , the bond and bongness we share.My fights with Arindam and the little talk (secret) at backstairs hiding from everyone. The copy girl and candycrush queen Chaithra and the sweet girl Amitha. The long hair of Vimala and the quietest Aishwarya with the gamer irritating Anas( the only Y chromosome of our department). Im surely going to miss this small department of us.
• All the great deeds we did and all the rules we broke to come out best in creativity. I guess a little more sweetness came from the achievements so far-from dance to skit, from organising fest to Communal Harmony Day celebration, all within this span of 2 years. 

I  might not be that cheesy to sing "Yaad ayenge ye pal" in my last day but surely I will miss being a student once again.

Till then I wish myself luck as well others for the coming days.

 .

Women oh! no... Im Human

Im a woman, not meant to be glorified of my values, beauty tradition or sacrifices and compromises Ive done till date
 I dont want to be worshipped neither to be raped or abused and made aware of my weak physical aspects
 I dont need reserved seats in bus or reservations for proving my intelligence
 Dont think me a burden father, I can earn a living and wont need to be married out of societal nuisance
 Dont you dare think Ill change my surname or take your responsibilities or change my home just because Im a woman
 Why for a change, you try the same for few centuries , my future husband?
 And my son(s), who are not born yet,
 I dont want u to remember my birthday or mothers day in years but I do prefer to see you tie rakhi on your sisters hand
 And my sisters, daughters and mother
 Your gender might be your weakness but your species is your strength
 You are an intelligent,vibrant dynamic organism
 Before someone think you a feeble woman show them your nails and canines, oh! human
~Prerana
#beingwomen

Valentine...oh! no

Yeah! That was my reaction a year and half back when I was asked for "Will you be my Valentine for rest of the life? " in a very filmy way much to my surprise.
Im very unpredictable at most of the time. I seek attention but when I get it,I loose the interest. That time, I prefer to run away even. I run away from love that is showered on me but cherish those given to others. I love the confrontation of lovers, the moment they meet and eternity strikes, my eyes twinkle and I get goose-bumps even seeing a romantic movie or reading a novel of similar genre.
Weird it sounds! Isnt it??
Probably,that is the cause of me getting into anyone's troubled relation and countless trials to bring them together.I might not succeed always but I get happiness.

I love to possess. That is a very pessimistic thought I got while buying a pair of arrow jackets for myself last weekend. Im impulsive when it comes to buying at times, I try to get things that people dont prefer to buy(I love to wear in dull shades) or is a single piece available,sometimes I hate shopping in malls where multiple copy of the same dress of different sizes are available.
Hell many keedas I have.
 I dont like something expensive but something that is one of a kind and yet to be mine.
Some of my friends think Im lucky to have such a guy in my life. Im lucky may be if not he is not unlucky being with me,I fear he might be a part of my same thought process (to possess)!
I hope all my thoughts about myself  be wrong and my feelings for him are real and true. That might the best gift I can give him this V-day.

To miss him or not !!

Its just an hour since he has boarded his train to his city and I have texted him,called him for more than 20 times and later even convinced him as well as mine that Im not going to miss him.
Surely I wont (if I prefer to lie).
Damn! I didn't go to college even. And my neighbour preferred to play ' Awarapan' today morning than Ricky Martin or Bruno Mars.
He must be passing through the big fields by now while the chilled breeze tousled his hair.
I wonder, I might miss him not less than a lot.
Hope will keep me happy :)