Tuesday, July 22, 2014
Monday, July 21, 2014
Do I really the real I ?
The name of my blog struck me today with a never asked question.
"Do I know me? "
"I see a new me each day"...my quick reply to myself mostly an escapade from thought series.
I know this answer can never satisfy my inner trouble.
Ever since I started pondering over my past decade with the night falls..yes decade for me!,. I choke myself with tearless grief, hug the pillow harder, think of people I can call and share the history that I never wish to repeat then realise no one can reciprocate the grief and later try to deprive myself from those memories saying 'Its over' without any written proof so that I never re-read and cry.
Im an independent strong women.I prefer to bit pillow and howl than to cry aloud.
I always have a fantasy world which has a picture perfect end and every time I met someone of that kind...I dreamt much more and ahead.
Again, like everytime I have moved to cord line.Coming back to the arose question...I know me in pieces.
School era-The dumb me
As for every person school days are golden days of life. I never had golden days yet, nothing close to silver even...may be pretty dull like iron. I was kind of dumb and simple and those days were spent in never accomplished dreams. Few friends, much few to call friends even still I believe I grew up from then...much from within.
BANGALORE DIARY-The unknown me
I was not so happy to bagpack to Bengaluru at the first but had nothing such that can hold me back, I left. I left many I love and one I call my lover. Sooner life changed like microbial growth curve (I meant parabola ).
The pain shattered me and six months of self-confinement released me from the cause though sooner I was proved to be wrong.The stationery phase was miserable as I did choose to change, not me but memories with new.
Sometimes to overcome the poison we need poison as antidote.
Once again within months I found myself trapped in a Bollywood movie kind story, I played the role..yes! I thought I should settle down though knowing that I cant be the submissive.
I wish the story unveiled soon could have been deleted leaving me much peaceful today. Its the part that is the cause of most of my premature cell death.
I have asked innumerable Why's each time it crosses my mind. I never deserved such ruthlessness from loved one.
I know this writing is much of a monologue, even Im bored to continue more.Im distracting from the point once again.
With time, people arrived and left with much fuss but I believed in a better tomorrow each day. I saw better days though not best. I became patient but careless, lovable but emotionless.
To my much surprise, Im loved even though I dont know Ill feel to speak or meet the person the next time. I have no affection,addiction or attraction towards someone or claim ones attention.
Every seconds seemed stranger after a minute.
Even this me is different from that me not knowing who is the real me as I have known,seen,suffered,got lost,grieved and lived with each me.
P.S. - Do I really need to wake up in the middle of the night just to search my diary to write about me at that span of time?? Im sure its not required untill and unless Im ready to meet some more shades of me.
"Do I know me? "
"I see a new me each day"...my quick reply to myself mostly an escapade from thought series.
I know this answer can never satisfy my inner trouble.
Ever since I started pondering over my past decade with the night falls..yes decade for me!,. I choke myself with tearless grief, hug the pillow harder, think of people I can call and share the history that I never wish to repeat then realise no one can reciprocate the grief and later try to deprive myself from those memories saying 'Its over' without any written proof so that I never re-read and cry.
Im an independent strong women.I prefer to bit pillow and howl than to cry aloud.
I always have a fantasy world which has a picture perfect end and every time I met someone of that kind...I dreamt much more and ahead.
Again, like everytime I have moved to cord line.Coming back to the arose question...I know me in pieces.
School era-The dumb me
As for every person school days are golden days of life. I never had golden days yet, nothing close to silver even...may be pretty dull like iron. I was kind of dumb and simple and those days were spent in never accomplished dreams. Few friends, much few to call friends even still I believe I grew up from then...much from within.
BANGALORE DIARY-The unknown me
I was not so happy to bagpack to Bengaluru at the first but had nothing such that can hold me back, I left. I left many I love and one I call my lover. Sooner life changed like microbial growth curve (I meant parabola ).
The pain shattered me and six months of self-confinement released me from the cause though sooner I was proved to be wrong.The stationery phase was miserable as I did choose to change, not me but memories with new.
Sometimes to overcome the poison we need poison as antidote.
Once again within months I found myself trapped in a Bollywood movie kind story, I played the role..yes! I thought I should settle down though knowing that I cant be the submissive.
I wish the story unveiled soon could have been deleted leaving me much peaceful today. Its the part that is the cause of most of my premature cell death.
I have asked innumerable Why's each time it crosses my mind. I never deserved such ruthlessness from loved one.
I know this writing is much of a monologue, even Im bored to continue more.Im distracting from the point once again.
With time, people arrived and left with much fuss but I believed in a better tomorrow each day. I saw better days though not best. I became patient but careless, lovable but emotionless.
To my much surprise, Im loved even though I dont know Ill feel to speak or meet the person the next time. I have no affection,addiction or attraction towards someone or claim ones attention.
Every seconds seemed stranger after a minute.
Even this me is different from that me not knowing who is the real me as I have known,seen,suffered,got lost,grieved and lived with each me.
P.S. - Do I really need to wake up in the middle of the night just to search my diary to write about me at that span of time?? Im sure its not required untill and unless Im ready to meet some more shades of me.
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