After much pause Seema replied as usual with an affirmative tone "I don't think their is any reason for her to not turn up and even not answer the phone. May be after two days of back to back night duty,she thought to get some rest. I mean I don't know...it is never expected from a person like her."
And like always Seema ended up with more of confusion than of any solution really.
I am clueless now....Dr. Vinod could have landed up in trouble if the responsibility for the entire function would been handed to her alone,which she did with much enthusiasm every time.
I'm happy that Dr. Vinod praised me for the party going well that too for the first time.
But why couldn't she let us know?...a very unsual from her part I reflected.
Anuradha never took any casual leave in this past one years,even though we coax to others to take our night duties in exchange with trivial gifts and treats,she had always taken the toughest of assignments,finished it before stipulated time with much ease and never in this hospital,anyone had seen her to frown or not having a smile in her face. Though I adore her enthusiasm and call her my best friend,somewhere inside I still feel jealous when she gets good remarks and patients speak about her during our rounds.
I heard incoming thumps and turned back. Abhro was calling me while climbing the stairs of cafeteria.
It was expected though,as we, all in this hospital are aware of his liking towards Anu.
"Smitha.....Smitha........Do you know anything about Anu? She isn't picking up her call from last evening and.....Abhro couldn't complete his sentence as his lungs were in need of oxygen which he forgot to provide so to speak.
I made a sad face and shook my face saying "No... I don't know." before he could make a big statement to express his feelings for her absence.
I envy Anu sometimes for many reasons.
"Do you have any other number or her address may be??"...he enquired in a tensed tone.
I again said "No"
I was sipping coffee and rolling my curls again and again while the setting Sun calling it a day and humming birds said good-bye for the last time.When all in the hospitals,including doctors,staffs, non-staffs and patients were just asking about her and wondering about her absence, Im enjoying the evening.
While every time she had helped me to solve my personal issues and professional tiffs, I refused to agree that it was Anu who took care of me like a older sister... I thought as Abhro was seen fading slowly with the turns of stairs.
I have been a very troubled child from childhood, may be just because my mom was in love with her chauffeur and I was born out of her illegitimate relation. So basically I have a driver's blood. Though my step-dad, whom my mother was legally and socially married to accepted me as his daughter infront of society, I was just a fruit of his wife's misled life. Even my mother neglected me thinking me as her lost position in that millionaire's family, hence I was grown up like a orphan. It was my maternal uncle who took care of my further education just because I had saved his son, the lamp of Raheja family from drowning when I was on the same pool cleaning my face after the staff's toilet went out of water.The hardship and absence of love and care made me so rough, cruel and insensitive or may be the effect of all the chemicals my mom had to abort me or may be the intoxicating effect of fumigation my paternal grandmom tried after I was not even a month old.
The decision wasn't mine to be born out of wed-lock yet I was put in
crossroad of decisions from the time I was just only few cells stage.
Yet, Im what I am. I have no regrets for being me.
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"You know I cant believe I'm here with you again after yesterday's fight.The night was amazingly surprising though,never seen this you before I must say!... Ankush spoke staring at me closing one eye so to wink.
"And I can't believe you could do this to me."....I sounded more like a Bollywood heroine after abducted by yesterday year
chichoore lover.
"Now,its high time...I have to leave.Take care."...I picked up my bag and was leaving but he hold me by hand.
I shrugged and asked "Now,...what again?"
He smiled and loosened my hand and spoke "Thanks like always"
I gave him an assuring smile.The pain of seeing him for the last time was quickly covered with my newly bought shades.
I hurried to the parking place where I've parked my two-wheeler.While wearing the helmet,thoughts and questions started over-pouring my mind .I have always had the same kind of confusion that started after my 10th grade.
I don't know why I do this to myself and the people around me.I found myself visualising Abhro's tensed face,my mom calling hundreds of time to hospital, Mrs Fernandez asking the nurses during her routine BP check and those who might not care about me but now getting a thin line on their forehead.After Bubu left us for ever,I have always found myself alone. Dr. Alka,the best child psychologist in our hospital and a renowned psychiatrist had told me once its for that I behave wierd and want to be missed sometimes. She had always been my inspiration yet today she retired while I didn't felt to attend the fare-well as necessary.
I took a ride to the nearest jetty. The view of setting Sun over Ganga mesmerizes me. I fear feelings and relation.
I'm in love with 'the other woman's' son, the same women who had destroyed my mom's married life 24 years ago. My dad left my mom when I was in her womb. I don't even know that Ankush was my love interest or I wanted to do what my father did to my mom. Yes!! He is "was" for me now.
May be, I wanted him to be with me untill I leave him one day.
I hate myself at times though its clear that I can't be in a relation.
I love lonesomeness over companionship....it makes me feel free and contented.
I was sensible. . . may be Im yet. I know Abhro cares about me, perhaps more than a friend...my mom is not responsible for Bubu, my grandfathers,my childhood days hero's accidental death. Ankush may be right to follow his dreams to be in navy and by not listening to his muse, Im after all my dad's daughter and may be none is responsible for any wrong thing that had happened in my life. May be all have just happened. We can't instruct the earth to stop spinning for a day likewise destiny won't ask us before tormenting our life or bringing devastating changes.
Its true that its far more relief to blame the destiny than to stand in
crossroads of choices.
Im happy with my life. May be I don't need to prove myself as my dad's daughter. . .I can't be like him.
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The coffee spilled over my hand and burnt my hand numb....I couldnt feel any pain. I'm yet waiting for any kind of response from her. I know its just a failed attempt.
She was odd from beginning or this time only she turned so wierd?....in lost thought I was again about to spill the coffee in my hand. Even she is not bothered about Mrs Fernandez,the bed no. 201 patient whom she took care so much,as if..............................like her mother may be. I don't know what has happened to her.
This year I left the chance but the next year might not be in my luck. Dr. Vinod had always been my idol and he supported me more than a doctor-in charge, like an older brother. He knows my feelings about Anuradha and even knows than I didnt applied for MD though got through the entrance because Anu couldn't get through. He understands what I tell him and even what I cant tell or try to hide.
He has always told me " Abhro,don't do it to yourself....It will not cost her anything. Think about your ailing father, your mother who did odd jobs to bring up you. Atleast think about your older unmarried sister who did everything and still doing. You can do it to yourself but not to those who truly care for you...please understand!"
I am with her for almost more than 6 years. We studied in the same medical college, applied for internship in the same hospital,have shared fights, laughter's, pains with everyone yet she couldn't understand or better feel my feelings for her....she never tried to know me or even other than professional conversation, we never had anything personal as far as I remember. She may not even knows that I stay near her place only.
"Sirrrrr........Sirr..., Dr. Vinod is calling you" I looked up as the nurse left the backstair door.
I stood up and went to his chamber. He was tensed.
"Bed no. 201 patient had a severe cardiac arrest,she just passed away 10 minutes back.Call her family as the in-charge doctor is absent today to take the body and ask them to pay the bills and other formalities. Ill be in OT till 5pm. If anything is required, speak to Dr. Mathew." ....Dr Vinod spoke sternly. He is so strict and motionless for the first time.
I came out of his chamber and called Mrs. Fernandez's family who responded after several attempts.
Time swayed past like seconds.
By 9pm , Mrs Fernandez was taken by her family. I still cant call her a body.
I came to the cafeteria and saw Smitha. She was busy speaking to someone. Seeing me approaching, she left the call and smiled at me. I took a chair opposite to her's.
"So...I guess your low because of bed no. 201 patient?" Smitha said keeping her left hand over mine.
I wished if it was Anu and not Smitha.
"No...not really. Just bit exhausted" I responded and took my hand off.
Before she could speak again, I excused myself from her and came down.
I need to stay alone.
May be Dr. Vinod is right that a doctor shouldn't be over-emotional ever in life. It affects both personal as well as professional life.
I took the decision to not do my MD which is truly a great opportunity I missed irrespective of both my personal and professional life. I forgot to think about my family who needs me more than anyone. I lost a year even and don't even have guarantee to get through next year.
For whom I did ?
Anuradha...who doesn't even care about anyone in her life, not even Mrs. Fernandez.
How can I expect her to ever care about me even?
I was trapped in the crossroad of questions asked by myself which has no answer.
I don't know....but I agree that I have killed many me till today to get her.
I called up my mom and asked her to keep dinner as Im coming back home. Her tired voice after day long work suddenly lightened up.I'm going back home after a week, I stayed with Anu in her night duties and dedicatedly covered my day schedules.
I couldn't want anyone to know what was going inside me then, mom's cheered voice, my home returning in absence of Anu. I couldn't really feel this me ever as my eyes never wanted to see anything other than Anu's happiness,her problems,her life. I left my life long before to live with her and the amusing part is she was not present in this me. She never was or may be she never can be. If even she does ever, I am no more this me.
I stepped out of the outdoor block,it was raining heavily.I didn't opened my yellow umbrella, I let the rain wash away the pain of unknowingness for the last time.I felt the heart inside and thumping loudly,louder than the lightening sound may be. Few drops of tears got mixed with the flush of rain water coming down touching my eyes and taking away the grief of ignorance.
I smiled at myself as I walked past the morgue.
For the first time in life, I stood in the
crossroad of my priorities and Im happy to listen to my brain in choosing priorities.
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