RIP!!

Life has always been a Pandora's box for me.The past few years were equally turbulent yet surprising.May be,I was really immature or better never acted my age.I don't hesitate to say,yes! I got bullied hell many times.
I know now,realised may be after coming to Bangalore...its natural.
No regrets that I dont have such special moments in my school which all my schoolmates cherish,that I couldnt make a great friend or a best friend out of my 15 years of school life.
It was me who acted as an emmotional fool which I realised quiet late.Nevermind may be I wont be able to stop "poulomi,my best friend from leaving the school in 4th standard" or restrict myself from "giving a letter to shreemoyee and making a fun of myself" or that "shuffling of sections and me going to a different world of so called 'mature people'.
Life sustained still....!
Then came the Aakash chapter and my horrible higher secondary result.
I regret to cause a sudden vacuum in my parents life with their insecurity to see me 'educated'.
Although,I destroyed some lakhs of my father,belief of my parents towards me,my urge to become a 'doctor' but I gained few good friends without any expectations from them,a brother and mostly 'the maturity' which I have always lacked.I started getting back the 'confidence' which I never thought to possess.
Yet...I did mistake again which I dont really think need a name.
I lost a real vital organ of mine...my heart.
This chapter stretched a bit too big...almost 1 and half years,a year of togetherness with half an year of trial and error process to end it.
I realised...I wasnt mature then too,though I acted my age.
All this years of changes might be just a journey of my life but beneath that survives a substantial change or rather "ADAPTATION",which I realised few months back.
The same person who used to seek attention,cant differentiate between feelings for anyone and 'special one',the words which used to hurt her,now spoken by her without any repent,the cold face,the hard heart...the migrative nature were never mine...I adapted so to live.
Now,I really dont mind if a girl like my 'old me' get bullied by my friends.I dont really care what others think of me,I dont compare if for many Im "rude" or "arrogant".
I dont fear to carry a 'matchbox' or a 'lighter' even.

Yet,so many changes can't make a life without troubles;without spices life is like 'pongal'.So actually this time life has become more complex and complicated than what I have thought to be "easy and simple".I search reasons,do comparisons and every good deeds of others seem as a purpose to break me open.I share what is not mine and never have a clear idea of what I seek for?
Im just too "confused with everything".
I misjudge people and mistreat them,even when within me,still exist a "substle consciousness".
I have stopped solving problems and searching solutions...too flexible to stand still.
Wherever I feel that Im been surrounded,the oxygen level is decreasing,my sensory organs have stopped responding,life doesn't cease there but I retire panicking.
I chuck and move on!!
P.S-RIP "my past me".Sorry,I don't miss you.