My personal confrontance with the title is quite rare in eyes of people; my faculties, mates. They think I dont take proper time to groom myself as a part of a girlie routine-my hair unbrushed, my dull shaded clothes are equivalent to or usually resembles my night wear. Sometimes they are same for whole week.
To them, I dont mind if you say this but I mind when you say Im frustrated.
I dont believe " beauty lies in the eyes of beholder". To me, Im beautiful with my own flaws since its my own.
To others free-living being, watch this video.
http://m.youtube.com/watch?index=2&v=5aeTuWQ-uSk&list=UUhAlpEbfW1y9auiBC08ZwGQ
Tuesday, November 11, 2014
Friday, October 10, 2014
life is a bitch !
For past few months I just stare at my diary with a pen in my hand thinking of how to start, everytime I think of a perfect line to start with and end up writing gibberish, may be that has nothing to do with my thoughts.
Things are just choked below my throat that come up either as tears of grief that just wets my pillow or anger, a lot of anger that ends up spoiling me mostly.
I feel devastated...feeling to express devastates me.
I try not to think, not to act neither speak about it to anyone. Im so unsure about the reasons that sometimes I feel I have some psychological problems. Its just may be Im unable to deal with it.
The feeling of being unimportant in someone's life, whom I thought most important at once kills me everytime..may be the importance of that person is still same just poorly expressed.
May be I dont have a sibling but I understand the meaning of sharing. But what if my existence fades away in others presence and I just remain a mere name.
The closer she came crossing the distance, the distant she became for me. Where love becomes responsibility and responsibility is just forced duty out of no emotions attached.
I had nightmares of loosing her in person, used to get scared when she used to sing songs whose lyrics had absence or early demise of mother...Im still scared of loosing her, not in person though.
I fear her presence erased from my mind.
Life is indeed a bitch!
P.S- IS MY FEAR LEGIT??
Things are just choked below my throat that come up either as tears of grief that just wets my pillow or anger, a lot of anger that ends up spoiling me mostly.
I feel devastated...feeling to express devastates me.
I try not to think, not to act neither speak about it to anyone. Im so unsure about the reasons that sometimes I feel I have some psychological problems. Its just may be Im unable to deal with it.
The feeling of being unimportant in someone's life, whom I thought most important at once kills me everytime..may be the importance of that person is still same just poorly expressed.
May be I dont have a sibling but I understand the meaning of sharing. But what if my existence fades away in others presence and I just remain a mere name.
The closer she came crossing the distance, the distant she became for me. Where love becomes responsibility and responsibility is just forced duty out of no emotions attached.
I had nightmares of loosing her in person, used to get scared when she used to sing songs whose lyrics had absence or early demise of mother...Im still scared of loosing her, not in person though.
I fear her presence erased from my mind.
Life is indeed a bitch!
P.S- IS MY FEAR LEGIT??
Tuesday, September 30, 2014
Soshti!
After much of melodrama and so many excuses , Im coming home today.
But the excitement is nowhere.
Reasons ??
May be above 4hrs stay at Mumbai airport while a sleepless hard week had passed by.( I miss mom had stayed)
May be reading abhi's blog of death , desertion made me sad( I dont feel sadness anyway)
The right reason may be Im grown up....emotionless.
Neverthless, Happy pujo.
But the excitement is nowhere.
Reasons ??
May be above 4hrs stay at Mumbai airport while a sleepless hard week had passed by.( I miss mom had stayed)
May be reading abhi's blog of death , desertion made me sad( I dont feel sadness anyway)
The right reason may be Im grown up....emotionless.
Neverthless, Happy pujo.
Sunday, August 24, 2014
Tuesday, July 22, 2014
Monday, July 21, 2014
Do I really the real I ?
The name of my blog struck me today with a never asked question.
"Do I know me? "
"I see a new me each day"...my quick reply to myself mostly an escapade from thought series.
I know this answer can never satisfy my inner trouble.
Ever since I started pondering over my past decade with the night falls..yes decade for me!,. I choke myself with tearless grief, hug the pillow harder, think of people I can call and share the history that I never wish to repeat then realise no one can reciprocate the grief and later try to deprive myself from those memories saying 'Its over' without any written proof so that I never re-read and cry.
Im an independent strong women.I prefer to bit pillow and howl than to cry aloud.
I always have a fantasy world which has a picture perfect end and every time I met someone of that kind...I dreamt much more and ahead.
Again, like everytime I have moved to cord line.Coming back to the arose question...I know me in pieces.
School era-The dumb me
As for every person school days are golden days of life. I never had golden days yet, nothing close to silver even...may be pretty dull like iron. I was kind of dumb and simple and those days were spent in never accomplished dreams. Few friends, much few to call friends even still I believe I grew up from then...much from within.
BANGALORE DIARY-The unknown me
I was not so happy to bagpack to Bengaluru at the first but had nothing such that can hold me back, I left. I left many I love and one I call my lover. Sooner life changed like microbial growth curve (I meant parabola ).
The pain shattered me and six months of self-confinement released me from the cause though sooner I was proved to be wrong.The stationery phase was miserable as I did choose to change, not me but memories with new.
Sometimes to overcome the poison we need poison as antidote.
Once again within months I found myself trapped in a Bollywood movie kind story, I played the role..yes! I thought I should settle down though knowing that I cant be the submissive.
I wish the story unveiled soon could have been deleted leaving me much peaceful today. Its the part that is the cause of most of my premature cell death.
I have asked innumerable Why's each time it crosses my mind. I never deserved such ruthlessness from loved one.
I know this writing is much of a monologue, even Im bored to continue more.Im distracting from the point once again.
With time, people arrived and left with much fuss but I believed in a better tomorrow each day. I saw better days though not best. I became patient but careless, lovable but emotionless.
To my much surprise, Im loved even though I dont know Ill feel to speak or meet the person the next time. I have no affection,addiction or attraction towards someone or claim ones attention.
Every seconds seemed stranger after a minute.
Even this me is different from that me not knowing who is the real me as I have known,seen,suffered,got lost,grieved and lived with each me.
P.S. - Do I really need to wake up in the middle of the night just to search my diary to write about me at that span of time?? Im sure its not required untill and unless Im ready to meet some more shades of me.
"Do I know me? "
"I see a new me each day"...my quick reply to myself mostly an escapade from thought series.
I know this answer can never satisfy my inner trouble.
Ever since I started pondering over my past decade with the night falls..yes decade for me!,. I choke myself with tearless grief, hug the pillow harder, think of people I can call and share the history that I never wish to repeat then realise no one can reciprocate the grief and later try to deprive myself from those memories saying 'Its over' without any written proof so that I never re-read and cry.
Im an independent strong women.I prefer to bit pillow and howl than to cry aloud.
I always have a fantasy world which has a picture perfect end and every time I met someone of that kind...I dreamt much more and ahead.
Again, like everytime I have moved to cord line.Coming back to the arose question...I know me in pieces.
School era-The dumb me
As for every person school days are golden days of life. I never had golden days yet, nothing close to silver even...may be pretty dull like iron. I was kind of dumb and simple and those days were spent in never accomplished dreams. Few friends, much few to call friends even still I believe I grew up from then...much from within.
BANGALORE DIARY-The unknown me
I was not so happy to bagpack to Bengaluru at the first but had nothing such that can hold me back, I left. I left many I love and one I call my lover. Sooner life changed like microbial growth curve (I meant parabola ).
The pain shattered me and six months of self-confinement released me from the cause though sooner I was proved to be wrong.The stationery phase was miserable as I did choose to change, not me but memories with new.
Sometimes to overcome the poison we need poison as antidote.
Once again within months I found myself trapped in a Bollywood movie kind story, I played the role..yes! I thought I should settle down though knowing that I cant be the submissive.
I wish the story unveiled soon could have been deleted leaving me much peaceful today. Its the part that is the cause of most of my premature cell death.
I have asked innumerable Why's each time it crosses my mind. I never deserved such ruthlessness from loved one.
I know this writing is much of a monologue, even Im bored to continue more.Im distracting from the point once again.
With time, people arrived and left with much fuss but I believed in a better tomorrow each day. I saw better days though not best. I became patient but careless, lovable but emotionless.
To my much surprise, Im loved even though I dont know Ill feel to speak or meet the person the next time. I have no affection,addiction or attraction towards someone or claim ones attention.
Every seconds seemed stranger after a minute.
Even this me is different from that me not knowing who is the real me as I have known,seen,suffered,got lost,grieved and lived with each me.
P.S. - Do I really need to wake up in the middle of the night just to search my diary to write about me at that span of time?? Im sure its not required untill and unless Im ready to meet some more shades of me.
Tuesday, December 24, 2013
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