Valentine...oh! no

Yeah! That was my reaction a year and half back when I was asked for "Will you be my Valentine for rest of the life? " in a very filmy way much to my surprise.
Im very unpredictable at most of the time. I seek attention but when I get it,I loose the interest. That time, I prefer to run away even. I run away from love that is showered on me but cherish those given to others. I love the confrontation of lovers, the moment they meet and eternity strikes, my eyes twinkle and I get goose-bumps even seeing a romantic movie or reading a novel of similar genre.
Weird it sounds! Isnt it??
Probably,that is the cause of me getting into anyone's troubled relation and countless trials to bring them together.I might not succeed always but I get happiness.

I love to possess. That is a very pessimistic thought I got while buying a pair of arrow jackets for myself last weekend. Im impulsive when it comes to buying at times, I try to get things that people dont prefer to buy(I love to wear in dull shades) or is a single piece available,sometimes I hate shopping in malls where multiple copy of the same dress of different sizes are available.
Hell many keedas I have.
 I dont like something expensive but something that is one of a kind and yet to be mine.
Some of my friends think Im lucky to have such a guy in my life. Im lucky may be if not he is not unlucky being with me,I fear he might be a part of my same thought process (to possess)!
I hope all my thoughts about myself  be wrong and my feelings for him are real and true. That might the best gift I can give him this V-day.

To miss him or not !!

Its just an hour since he has boarded his train to his city and I have texted him,called him for more than 20 times and later even convinced him as well as mine that Im not going to miss him.
Surely I wont (if I prefer to lie).
Damn! I didn't go to college even. And my neighbour preferred to play ' Awarapan' today morning than Ricky Martin or Bruno Mars.
He must be passing through the big fields by now while the chilled breeze tousled his hair.
I wonder, I might miss him not less than a lot.
Hope will keep me happy :)

Alone uh!...No its lonesomeness!

It was one of the long hour phone call I had with my baba,that usually takes place on Sunday. My ma claims I have inherited everything from her (as if Im parthenocarpic) but it seems I have got the dominant 'gene of speaking' from my dad.
Literally 'of speaking less'.
What is the reason behind bringing the topic of speaking is, I love to be alone.At times I just stare at my phone even though Im geting a call and learning about it however, this news was been transferred to baba's. He is himself an introvert though not a loner.
I have always had a problem with the word alone or loner and also I dread about lifelong confinement as marriage.
 So when he asked me, I thought he will start searching for the reason and parents blaming an animal called boyfriend for anything wrong in their daughter's life is an Indian standard law. But, to my surprise we had an excellent conversation about the relativeness of being lonely and how it changes with our age. We had an argument of it to call lonesomeness.
He though speaks less and has very few measures to express himself (may be we have never provided him) told what Im trying to concise in brief.
Alone, loneliness, loner, lonesomeness,loneliness,alone are like the phases of human life and it has a circle like life and death.
We are born alone, suffer from loneliness when our loved ones leave us, act like a loner in crowd and their creeps an awesomeness of being lone i.e we start loving it as if we were seeking for it,here we are in the phase called lonesomeness. Slowly with age, loneliness subsides the awesomeness, we become weak and dependent and atlast we die alone.
I know it might sound absurd but he never had sound so true. It might be bit depressing as I have brought up with a very negative kind of topic.
In a lighter note, he had some more thing to tell. As Im in phase 4 and he is somewhere between phase 5 and 6 , he wishes me to be prepared for the next two phase which might be terrible.
Do you want to marry or already have someone fixed??
P.S. Wow! My dad just have won the prize for changing my amusement to disappointment ! Ive underestimated his expression it seems.

Happy 'weird' Anniversary to me !!

Well,Its so weird...sigh!
When its just perfect and you have everything you wanted ever, you just don't need it, you feel like its not for you as if you were never seeking for it.
I wanted to just walk away from it like its not what I want or ever wanted.
Every other thing seems more important than to be a part of it, my first ever anniversary.
Yes! An achievement for a confused person like me. But if I look back, we hardly fought like  grown ups, all other tiffs were like arguments which I would have witnessed with any other unbiased friend of mine.
Look at me,awake this late to update my blog about my stupid feelings or random thoughts...whatever, when my guy is busy making my day worth by getting some good sleep with his exams on one side and our day on other side. We are going to be out for a official 'date' except their wont be any official offcourse (very wrong pj at right moment)
I mean I have always wanted to be a part of this feeling, that is being loved like Im the one and only one for that person. Its not that I have not been in a relationship ever but that all lacked all the biology chemistry, spirituality or whatever and also I wasnt into it like I am this time.
Now that I have him, I want to be alone once again. I want to travel...alone, watch movie...alone, shop, eat lunch and everything with myself. I dread his company for God knows why !!!
Although I have lost my sanity, still... Happy Anniversary to me.
P.S.- I have capability to ruin my own world. Beware! Before taking me as an inspiration( Ah! I owe to my name lol)

Being beautiful !!

My personal confrontance with the title is quite rare in eyes of people; my faculties, mates. They think I dont take proper time to groom myself as a part of a girlie routine-my hair unbrushed, my dull shaded clothes are equivalent to or usually resembles my night wear. Sometimes they are same for whole week.
To them, I dont mind if you say this but I mind when you say Im frustrated.
I dont believe " beauty lies in the eyes of beholder". To me, Im beautiful with my own flaws since its my own.
To others free-living being, watch this video.
http://m.youtube.com/watch?index=2&v=5aeTuWQ-uSk&list=UUhAlpEbfW1y9auiBC08ZwGQ

life is a bitch !

For past few months I just stare at my diary with a pen in my hand thinking of how to start, everytime I think of a perfect line to start with and end up writing gibberish, may be that has nothing to do with my thoughts.
Things are just choked below my throat that come up either as tears of grief that just wets my pillow or anger, a lot of anger that ends up spoiling me mostly.
I feel devastated...feeling to express devastates me.
I try not to think, not to act neither speak about it to anyone. Im so unsure about the reasons that sometimes I feel I have some psychological problems. Its just may be Im unable to deal with it.
The feeling of being unimportant in someone's life, whom I thought most important at once kills me everytime..may be the importance of that person is still same just poorly expressed.
May be I dont have a sibling but I understand the meaning of sharing. But what if my existence fades away in others presence and I just remain a mere name.
The closer she came crossing the distance, the distant she became for me. Where love becomes responsibility and responsibility is just forced duty out of no emotions attached.
I had nightmares of loosing her in person, used to get scared when she used to sing songs whose lyrics had absence or early demise of mother...Im still scared of loosing her, not in person though.
I fear her presence erased from my mind.
Life is indeed  a bitch!
P.S- IS MY FEAR LEGIT??

Soshti!

After much of melodrama and so many excuses , Im coming home today.
But the excitement is nowhere.
Reasons ??
May be above 4hrs stay at Mumbai airport while a sleepless hard week had passed by.( I miss mom had stayed)
May be reading abhi's blog of death , desertion made me sad( I dont feel sadness anyway)
The right reason may be Im grown up....emotionless.
Neverthless, Happy pujo.