Crossroad-Decision,Choice and Priorities

After much pause Seema replied as usual with an affirmative tone "I don't think their is any reason for her to not turn up and even not answer the phone. May be after two days of back to back night duty,she thought to get some rest. I mean I don't know...it is never expected from a person like her."
And like always Seema ended up with more of confusion than of any solution really.
I am clueless now....Dr. Vinod could have landed up in trouble if the responsibility for the entire function would been handed to her alone,which she did with much enthusiasm every time.
I'm happy that Dr. Vinod praised me for the party going well that too for the first time.
But why couldn't she let us know?...a very unsual from her part I reflected.
Anuradha never took any casual leave in this past one years,even though we coax to others to take our night duties in exchange with trivial gifts and treats,she had always taken the toughest of assignments,finished it before stipulated time with much ease and never in this hospital,anyone had seen her to frown or not having a smile in her face. Though I adore her enthusiasm and call her my best friend,somewhere inside I still feel jealous when she gets good remarks and patients speak about her during our rounds.
I heard incoming thumps and turned back. Abhro was calling me while climbing the stairs of cafeteria.
It was expected though,as we, all in this hospital are aware of his liking towards Anu.
"Smitha.....Smitha........Do you know anything about Anu? She isn't picking up her call from last evening and.....Abhro couldn't complete his sentence as his lungs were in need of oxygen which he forgot to provide so to speak.
I made a sad face and shook my face saying "No... I don't know." before he could make a big statement to express his feelings for her absence.
I envy Anu sometimes for many reasons.
"Do you have any other number or her address may be??"...he enquired in a tensed tone.
I again said "No"
I was sipping coffee and rolling my curls again and again while the setting Sun calling it a day and humming birds said good-bye for the last time.When all in the hospitals,including doctors,staffs, non-staffs and patients were just asking about her and wondering about her absence, Im enjoying the evening.
While every time she had helped me to solve my personal issues and professional tiffs, I refused to agree that   it was Anu who took care of me like a older sister... I thought  as Abhro was seen fading slowly with the turns of stairs.
I have been a very troubled child from childhood, may be just because my mom was in love with her chauffeur and I was born out of her illegitimate relation. So basically I have a driver's blood. Though my step-dad, whom my mother was legally and socially married to accepted me as his daughter infront of society, I was just a fruit of his wife's misled life. Even my mother neglected me thinking me as her lost position in that millionaire's family, hence I was grown up like a orphan. It was my maternal uncle who took care of my further education just because I had saved his son, the lamp of  Raheja family from drowning when I was on the same pool cleaning my face after the staff's toilet went out of water.The hardship and absence of love and care  made me so rough, cruel and insensitive or may be the effect of all the chemicals my mom had to abort me or may be the intoxicating effect of fumigation my paternal grandmom tried after I was not even a month old.
The decision wasn't mine to be born out of wed-lock yet I was put in crossroad of decisions from the time I was just only few cells stage.
Yet, Im what I am. I have no regrets for being me.

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"You know I cant believe I'm here with you again after yesterday's fight.The night was amazingly surprising though,never seen this you before I must say!... Ankush spoke staring at me closing one eye so to wink.
"And I can't believe you could do this to me."....I sounded more like a Bollywood heroine after abducted by yesterday year chichoore lover.
"Now,its high time...I have to leave.Take care."...I picked up my bag and was leaving but he hold me by hand.
I shrugged and asked "Now,...what again?"
He smiled and loosened my hand and spoke "Thanks like always"
I gave him an assuring smile.The pain of seeing him for the last time was quickly covered with my newly bought shades.
I hurried to the parking place where I've parked my two-wheeler.While wearing the helmet,thoughts and questions started over-pouring my mind .I have always had the same kind of confusion that started after my 10th grade.
I don't know why I do this to myself and the people around me.I found myself visualising Abhro's tensed face,my mom calling hundreds of time to hospital, Mrs Fernandez asking the nurses during her routine BP check and those who might not care about me but now getting a thin line on their forehead.After Bubu left us for ever,I have always found myself alone. Dr. Alka,the best child psychologist in our hospital and a renowned psychiatrist  had told me once its  for that I behave wierd and want to be missed sometimes. She had always been my inspiration yet today she retired while I didn't felt to attend the fare-well as necessary.
I took a ride to the nearest jetty. The view of setting Sun over Ganga mesmerizes me. I fear feelings and relation.
I'm in love with 'the other woman's' son, the same women who had destroyed my mom's married life 24 years ago. My dad left my mom when I was in her womb. I don't even know that Ankush was my love interest or I wanted to do what my father did to my mom. Yes!! He is "was" for me now.
May be, I wanted him to be with me untill I leave him one day.
I hate myself at times though its clear that I can't be in a relation.
I love lonesomeness over companionship....it makes me feel free and contented.

I was sensible. . . may be Im yet. I know Abhro cares about me, perhaps more than a friend...my mom is not responsible for Bubu, my grandfathers,my childhood days hero's accidental death. Ankush may be right to follow his dreams to be in navy and by not listening to his muse, Im after all my dad's daughter and  may be none is responsible for any wrong thing that had happened in my life. May be all have just happened. We can't instruct the earth to stop spinning for a day likewise destiny won't ask us before tormenting our life or bringing devastating changes.
Its true that its far more relief to blame the destiny than to stand in crossroads of choices.
Im happy with my life. May be I don't need to prove myself as my dad's daughter. . .I can't be like him.

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The coffee spilled over my hand and burnt my hand numb....I couldnt feel any pain. I'm yet waiting for any kind of response from her. I know its just a failed attempt.
She was odd from beginning or this time only she turned so wierd?....in lost thought I was again about to spill the coffee in my hand. Even she is not bothered about Mrs Fernandez,the bed no. 201 patient whom she took care so much,as if..............................like her mother may be. I don't know what has happened to her.
This year I left the chance but the next year might not be in my luck. Dr. Vinod had always been my idol and he supported me more than a doctor-in charge, like an older brother. He knows my feelings about Anuradha and even knows than I didnt applied for MD though got through the entrance because Anu couldn't get through. He understands what I tell him and even what I cant tell or try to hide.
He has always told  me " Abhro,don't do it to yourself....It will not cost her anything. Think about your ailing father, your mother who did odd jobs to bring up you. Atleast think about your older unmarried sister who did everything and still doing. You can do it to yourself but not to those who truly care for you...please understand!"
I am with her for almost more than 6 years. We studied in the same medical college, applied for internship in the same hospital,have shared fights, laughter's, pains with everyone yet she couldn't understand or better feel my feelings for her....she never tried to know me or even other than professional conversation, we never had anything personal as far as I remember. She may not even knows that I stay near her place only.
"Sirrrrr........Sirr..., Dr. Vinod is calling you" I looked up as the nurse left the backstair door.
I stood up and went to his chamber. He was tensed.
"Bed no. 201 patient had a severe cardiac arrest,she just passed away 10 minutes back.Call her family as the in-charge doctor is absent today to take the body and ask them to pay the bills and other formalities. Ill be in OT till 5pm. If anything is required, speak to Dr. Mathew." ....Dr Vinod spoke sternly. He is so strict and motionless for the first time.
I came out of his chamber and called Mrs. Fernandez's family who responded after several attempts.
Time swayed past like seconds.
By 9pm , Mrs Fernandez was taken by her family. I still cant call her a body.
I came to the cafeteria and saw Smitha. She was busy speaking to someone. Seeing me approaching, she left the call and smiled at me. I took a chair opposite to her's.
"So...I guess your low because of  bed no. 201 patient?" Smitha said keeping her left hand over mine.
I wished if it was Anu and not Smitha.
"No...not really. Just bit exhausted" I responded and took my hand off.
Before she could speak again, I excused myself from her and came down.
I need to stay alone.
May be Dr. Vinod is right that a doctor shouldn't be over-emotional ever in life. It affects both personal as well as professional life.
I took the decision to not do my MD which is truly a great opportunity I missed irrespective of both my personal and professional life. I forgot to think about my family who needs me more than anyone. I lost a year even and don't even have guarantee to get through next year.
For whom I did ?
Anuradha...who doesn't even care about anyone in her life, not even Mrs. Fernandez.
How can I expect her to ever care about me even?
I was trapped in the crossroad of questions asked by myself which has no answer.
I don't know....but I agree that I have killed many me till today to get her.
I called up my mom and asked her to keep dinner as Im coming back home. Her tired voice after day long work suddenly lightened up.I'm going back home after a week, I stayed with Anu in her night duties and dedicatedly covered my day schedules.
I couldn't want anyone to know what was going inside me then, mom's cheered voice, my home returning in absence of Anu. I couldn't really feel this me ever as my eyes never wanted to see anything other than Anu's happiness,her problems,her life. I left my life long before to live with her and the amusing part is she was not present in this me. She never was or may be she never can be. If even she does ever, I am no more this me.
I stepped out of the outdoor block,it was raining heavily.I didn't opened my yellow umbrella, I let the rain wash away the pain of unknowingness for the last time.I felt the heart inside and thumping loudly,louder than the lightening sound may be. Few drops of tears got mixed with the flush of rain water coming down touching my eyes and taking away the grief of ignorance.
I smiled at myself as I walked past the morgue.
For the first time in life, I stood in the crossroad of my priorities and Im  happy to listen to my brain in choosing priorities.

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Splash...!!

Life doesnt come with worthy surprises always... atleast for me. All of a sudden, this Holi has replenished the lost charisma and cherishable moments altogether,my last Holi in the last semester of my graduation.
Sometimes planning spoils the mood...so does the unplanned splash recovered me from the dullness of life.It really made me coloured blue.
HAPPY AND WARM HOLI TO ALL.
The season of holi might have got over...but doesnt the colors from the life.
Thanx to my chinkie babe's...love you all. :)

Lost the count of mountains passed while counting the pebbles gathered...!

Yellow pages

I saw that big berry "narkel kul" today while coming back from college. The pack of it was equally desirable and tempting when childhood memories are attached with it.
Few days backs I was telling to one of my dear friends here about the 'phutchka and alu kabli stalls" and those vendors selling boxful of mouth-watering kul and hajmi and amra and those sweet cigarettes.
The talk happened as I saw a little girl from NPS (our neighbour school) came to bakery to have egg puff after school.
Here even if we get chaats its sweet, and meals are sour.
We can change our meals but not our relishes I guess.
Narkel kul made me remember saraswati puja and lingered memories. I miss wearing saree and hogging on the bhog offered to "goddess of education".
Today is Saraswati puja,Im eagerly waiting for my friends out in kolkata to post their photos in facebook by the end of day,the only way I can connect my strings back.

It is also Valentines day for bengalis...so double bonanza;two days to celebrate love without break!!
P.S-I remembered to not to have kul before saraswati puja,faith is always greater than tempt.

RIP!!

Life has always been a Pandora's box for me.The past few years were equally turbulent yet surprising.May be,I was really immature or better never acted my age.I don't hesitate to say,yes! I got bullied hell many times.
I know now,realised may be after coming to Bangalore...its natural.
No regrets that I dont have such special moments in my school which all my schoolmates cherish,that I couldnt make a great friend or a best friend out of my 15 years of school life.
It was me who acted as an emmotional fool which I realised quiet late.Nevermind may be I wont be able to stop "poulomi,my best friend from leaving the school in 4th standard" or restrict myself from "giving a letter to shreemoyee and making a fun of myself" or that "shuffling of sections and me going to a different world of so called 'mature people'.
Life sustained still....!
Then came the Aakash chapter and my horrible higher secondary result.
I regret to cause a sudden vacuum in my parents life with their insecurity to see me 'educated'.
Although,I destroyed some lakhs of my father,belief of my parents towards me,my urge to become a 'doctor' but I gained few good friends without any expectations from them,a brother and mostly 'the maturity' which I have always lacked.I started getting back the 'confidence' which I never thought to possess.
Yet...I did mistake again which I dont really think need a name.
I lost a real vital organ of mine...my heart.
This chapter stretched a bit too big...almost 1 and half years,a year of togetherness with half an year of trial and error process to end it.
I realised...I wasnt mature then too,though I acted my age.
All this years of changes might be just a journey of my life but beneath that survives a substantial change or rather "ADAPTATION",which I realised few months back.
The same person who used to seek attention,cant differentiate between feelings for anyone and 'special one',the words which used to hurt her,now spoken by her without any repent,the cold face,the hard heart...the migrative nature were never mine...I adapted so to live.
Now,I really dont mind if a girl like my 'old me' get bullied by my friends.I dont really care what others think of me,I dont compare if for many Im "rude" or "arrogant".
I dont fear to carry a 'matchbox' or a 'lighter' even.

Yet,so many changes can't make a life without troubles;without spices life is like 'pongal'.So actually this time life has become more complex and complicated than what I have thought to be "easy and simple".I search reasons,do comparisons and every good deeds of others seem as a purpose to break me open.I share what is not mine and never have a clear idea of what I seek for?
Im just too "confused with everything".
I misjudge people and mistreat them,even when within me,still exist a "substle consciousness".
I have stopped solving problems and searching solutions...too flexible to stand still.
Wherever I feel that Im been surrounded,the oxygen level is decreasing,my sensory organs have stopped responding,life doesn't cease there but I retire panicking.
I chuck and move on!!
P.S-RIP "my past me".Sorry,I don't miss you.

Choice

"Vodka shots??"I turned and smiled for the first time after long 24 hours.My waist long hair never cheated him from identifying me.So even though the pub was full and the seats were all reserved with flurrying youths,he found me standing before the bar.
I don't know why I blushed like a teenager and felt embarassed.His well-toned body and freshly jelled hair had always given me cold spines along with the cologne which blocks my nose from smelling anything.He always carries his wealth with his choice.
"I just had my glass of red wine." said stretching the line bit too long.
"Oh! changed choice!"
"No...just acting my age!"
This time I was bold enough else he might had caught me.
"So....as you said where were we last night,I mean what were you speaking about?" he said with that old sparkle in his eyes.
I felt somewhat awkward of the sudden closeness that arose between us.Long since I haven't come across such feelings.Old memories were becoming as fresh as the morning dew that ditpit loves to play with.
His voice brought my senses back. I shifted my eyes from the glass to his eyes,truly none can cheat his gaze. He smiled softly making me more uneasy. My hand shifted from the table to the part of my body uncovered,trying to pull my tube dress down. He remained silent without shifting his eyes. I drank the drink in one gulp chocking my respiratory organ almost. Ah! much better I felt with the dizziness in my head.
He gave the same seductive smile,the one which I have hated during our years together.It had always made me feel jealous.The sudden call after almost 7 years that to at 3:45am was my cause of curiosity to meet him today...I just justified my ownself.
Somewhere I know Im not justifying truly still...!
"Would you mind to go for a drive now? I mean not way too long...but yeah! for an hour?" he asked with little concern.
Here with people around Im so nervous,but a drive alone is a strict "no".I can't take that risk to go alone although Im in my mid-40s and already an acomplished businesswomen as well as a single mother of a 15 years old son.I was actually thinking of my menopause when he spoke again.
This time he offered me a glass of water.Actually I needed that more than anything.
I relieved myself from all negative thoughts and said with confidence " I would have definitely loved to,if not Im going to have an important con call in an hour."
"You could have thought of a better excuse sweetheart.Even in a car,you can have a con call,you might have forgotten." ...he remarked sleathily.
I was much ashamed of my foolishness yet just to show my spontineity,I spoke "But I dont mix business with personal life so its not my genre to go for a drive with work in mind.Im extremely sorry to let you know that."
"Impressive...as usual.Thats why I had choosen you and not Akansha to be my life"...He outspoken the words with a tinge of grief.
Akansha,the girl who had never been in my good book...is not of concern today...such is life!I smiled and he smiled back.
Now,I cant waste more time as its already 3 hours by now and we are not ahead with yesterday's conversation which needs to be finished soon.
"Sneha....."first time after long 7 years plus some more months and days accounting the past 3 hours with some minutes and seconds he took my name with a long pause leaving my inside trembling about the words to be spoken.
"Sneha...I thought I would never call you as you were pretty much happy with your life.I wouldn't lie,even I moved ahead with Akansha and our two wonderful kids.Everything was fine untill Akansha left me and the kids one day...I mean she left me for another man,my half brother........." he wasn't done with his sentences entirely when I stumbled over his words in disgust "So you want me back? Its not done Mr. M K Malhotra."
"No Sneha...first let me complete.She didnt left me yesterday or months back but about 4 years ago.I managed to run my business alongside bringing up my sons all alone.Sometimes Nitu used to take care of the kids when I had to go for trip but truly I was able to prove myself as a good father to Vivan and Ayan which I regret I couldnt for Tusharr.The thing for which I called you is she died a very sad death last week.I didnt go to visit her initially at hospital but for my kids I had to...Im a father more than an ex-husband of that women.I even refused till my sons coaxed and pleaded me saying they want to see their mother.Moreover,when I went there I got to know she lived alone with her sister while my half brother were settled in Dubai...might be having another wife as Nitu thought.I could never ask Akansha,why she had left me ever may be of my ego but seeing her at that distressed condition,I couldnt help asking her ' Why?'.She refused to speak but on the day of her funeral,her sister came with an album and a 2-3 pages long letter.She silently left leaving those last piece of unsolved mystery in my hand.Ayan took the album which contains all those lovely memories of our years together.After she left,I just forgotten to store some memories in albums.May be,you are thinking why Im giving all this descriptions before coming to the actual point? She had actually answered me in that letter for which I couldnt cry till today.Sneha...she had never hated you more than me.She had left me because I had left you.Sneha wasnt an intruder in our relation but I was the thorn between two sisters.I was spoilt,I had always seen qualities and quantities in women.You two were equally different yet fascinating.I have married you because you were mature and more enriched.But when she came back from USA,she was more desirable.You were carrying Tusharr then.I had always known that secretly she had always wanted me to be in her life and also she envied you for that but she wasnt harmful.It was me who turned her wild as she was pretty young and immature then.She started loving me.I left you and she was happy with it.You never complained and without much fuss we had our divorce.Soon me and Akansha got married and I never regretted to marry her.But somewhere within she wasnt happy for what happened to you for her,with her growing age she learnt the difficulties,a single mother had to face everyday.She never called or said anything about her will to contact you because she was sure,I would never paid any heed.I wasnt guilty,she was.She was immature always and proved to be so.She came in my life where I have utilised her immaturity...she left my life without thinking any of the consequences in name of immaturity...the wholesome height of her immaturity is she married a 60 years old man.I just narrated the whole story so to say sorry from her side which she really meant,which you can make out from my condition.I would never be able to ask for forgiveness for any of you or my three children.I had the choice to be with you but I choose her then.She was destined to be with me as I thought yet she choose to prove me wrong...a probability equation played by Almighty."
 First time may be,he had been bold to show his pain without fearing to shred drops of tears as treat to those emmotions...I thought though I was equally shocked,devastated yet undisturbed because I have moved on long way before.
I thought at this moment nothing can be better than forgiving him without him seeking forgiveness,I spoke without thinking for the first time "Its okay.I dont have any hard feelings for any of you.And thanx for atleast showing some bit of respect for Tusharr,considering him your son.I dont think you have anything more to say.So I think I should leave now."
He was cold and numb.I waited for 5 more minutes.He didnt replied anything.The atmosphere was no more cordial for me.I just took my purse from the table to go when he said "Bye". I smiled consciously and came out of that old place which once used to be our everything during college days.Hours we had spend under this teracotta ceiling while few hours today had made me breatheless.
It was already dusk outside.Nothing lingered in my mind other than my little sister who proved to be a true Rajput.I smiled at my own comparison and drove back home.
P.S: I never wished to get him back again.