wannabe...???

We always find something or other to engage our life...does it really help in forgetting our sorrows??or its just the temporary butter for the permanent burnt??
Thanx to lee.....I atlast got the way to smile by myself and to feel nice and occupied with someone other than him and also got used to use an adult toothbrush...:):):)
love ya lee..

Where is the real me???

Am I the little girl who used to hold her ma's neck and used to say "ma go ma jogojani ma"?
Am I the girl who used to eat "chachimuchi" from her baba's plate??
Am I my dadu's "ditiyo-pokkho" whom he used to give divorce or "talak talak talak" every now and then and the little I used to cry like hell till her dadu took her in so called "chang-dola" style ?
Am I my dida's "dida" who snatches "pan" from her mouth and steal "chawan bahar"??
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Or am I the 18 yrs old girl who is deeply in love with someone who is everything for her?
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What is the real me???

Naina lageeyan baarishan
Te sukke sukke sapne vi pijj gaye
Naina lageeyan baarishan
Rove palkan de kone vich neendh meri
Naina laggeyan baarishan
Hanju digde ne chot lage dil te
Naina laggeyan baarishan
Rut birha de badlan di chaa gayi

Kaali kaali khaali raaton se
Hone lagi hai dosti
Khoya khoya inn raahon mein
Ab mera kuch bhi nahi
Har pal har lamha
Main kaise sehta hoon
Har pal har lamha
Main khudh se yeh kehta rehta hoon
Tujhe bhula diya oh
Tujhe bhula diya oh
Tujhe bhula diya oh
Phir kyun teri yaadon ne
Mujhe rula diya oh
Mujhe rula diya

Teri yaadon mein likhe jo lafz dete hai sunayi
Beetay lamhe poochte hai kyun hue aise judaa
Khuda, khuda mila jo yeh faasla hai
Khuda tera hi yeh faisla hai
Khuda hona tha woh ho gaya
Jo tune tha likha

Kaali kaali khaali raaton se
Hone lagi hai dosti
Khoya khoya inn raahon mein
Ab mera kuch bhi nahi
Har pal har lamha
Main kaise sehta hoon
Har pal har lamha
Main khudh se yeh kehta rehta hoon
Tujhe bhula diya oh
Tujhe bhula diya oh
Tujhe bhula diya oh
Phir kyun teri yaadon ne
Mujhe rula diya oh
Mujhe rula diya

Naina lageeyan baarishan
Te sukke sukke sapne vi pijj gaye
Naina lageeyan baarishan
Rut birha de badlan di cha gayi

Do pal tujhse juda tha
Aise phir rasta muda tha
Tujhse mein khone laga
Juda jaise hone laga
Mujhse kuch mera

Tu hi meri liye ab kar dua
Tu hi iss dard se kar de juda
Tera hoke tera jo main na raha
Main yeh khud se kehta hoon

Tujhe bhula diya oh
Tujhe bhula diya oh
Tujhe bhula diya oh
Phir kyun teri yaadon ne
Mujhe rula diya oh
Mujhe rula diya


Tu nahin toh, inn labon pe ik shikaayat reh gayi hai
Door hi jab karna tha toh paas kyun laaya batah
Khuda kabhi tujhe bhi toh pyaar hoga
Khuda judaa tera yaar hoga
Khuda jaanega tu faaslon ka hai yeh dard kya
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i just simply love this song don't know why.....sigh!!

failed to understand..."what is love??

a day to remember...

Will you marry me?...I asked
It was not a official proposal but the "Day" was special for me.It's Mrs. Banerjee's birthday,my mom whom I had never met but only heard from Mintu,my mashi,my guardian and my only best friend after him.
See sweety,actually you know what?
actually what??I asked again.
And this no changed my life upside down.
Mimi,I'm thirsty...Oh! Mimi.
yes dear!
6 years back and I still can't forget the DAY...
Its christmas,I'm in Texas,3 and half years had passed,my cake is in oven...my daughter Sara,she is in pre school...today was her pre-school graduation.My husband,Atul,the most loving and responsible person in this world i have ever met.
and He????
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.....
...
Why He said 'no' that day,is still a unsolved question to me ever since!
though I didn't asked a single question then!After that I met him once more,after my 1st anniversary in India.
Today I'm thinking just because I don't have anything to think about...its a lame excuse,I said to myself.
Or may be because yesterday i dreamt of him or the man next door seemed to me like him or....No! not a single thought is true.
My couch pillow might had burst out if I hadn't smelt of something burning and it was my christmas cake.
Sara was upset and so did I.Though our mood changed after Atul took us for dinner and shopping.
After Atul came back from Sara's room,I thought to tell him everything because after Mintu's death and his departure,Atul was the only close one whose shoulders were always present for my support.More than I love him,I respect him a lot.
I couldn't think of anyone so generous and so calm and cool like Atul.
I tried to speak to Atul but he didn't seem interested because he hardly cared about my past,so I had to find the answer by myself.
Likewise six months passed as if its a day and today my baby is three.
Time:3pm-Three hours left for the party and I opened the envelope.
The first line of it made me drop the envelope.Its from him.May be now I should disclose his name because I'm writing what was exactly written in the letter.
Dear Sniggi(Snigdha),
I know its awkward to write you up after so many years.Actually you never had asked and I feared to answer and may be you will never bother to ask me "Why I left you that day?".Today you don't need the answer may be but it was impossible for me to live these three years with the dream of your unforgetable swollen kohl smashed eyes.I left you because I had no other option to live and I can't see you die without me.I have cervical cancer and long term treatments of kemo therapy are all in vain and few months left me to leave in my 10 by 10 government sponscered hospital room.All I can say, take care and good luck for your future.Do take care of my daughter.I know today is her birthday.I have nothing to give her other than lots of love and blessings and a little gift,such a poor father I'm.Gift is inside the envelope.
love
Rit(Ritwik)
I opened the envelope to get Sara's gift.I got the gift,its a pendant containing photos of me and Sara.I cried like a child and yes I got the answer,Sara remembered me of my Rit.

I'm happy still...

oh my god!!...its not two its three much!!
hw could you bear so much..??.....who is he to tell whats right and whats not....???
if i was at your place i would never let him do such to me and then you have your own life and....Anyway bye.Got some work.talk ya later.
She hung up the phone...I smiled while keeping the phone on the table...
Smriti will never change,she knows who he is still...
its already 8:30 pm and i'm still left for the dough...
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He again shouted at me for the roti being hard(though seems soft to me) n curry being cold...but i didnt react...why i dont know...!anyway goodnight...
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today he has brought sweets and tube rose from the market...but forget again to wish me,i'm happy still...hope smriti remembers it...i wish i could invite them but may be some other day...
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....
she called up...Thank god!she has forgotten about the last day.She wished me,again asked me about him...
He was around...so couldn't reply...I'm not scared of him but i don't want his mood go down though nowadays he hardly understands anything...
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Pls don't get up...Do you want some water?
I opened my eyes...everything seems so hazzy but i can't keep it open...so i close again!
Pls try to open mam...your friend is waiting for you...see!
I opened with much struggle...
It was Smriti standing at the door with a bouque of tube rose,my favourite!!
Her face was always cheerful but today its bit sulky,anguish and tensed...still she managed to smile...I tried to smile but its paining...!
She sat at the stool beside me...the white cladded lady disappeared from the room...
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Why didn't you listen to me that day?I told you let him be admitted to some good asyllum but you are too stub-born to listen to anyone...see yourself...
3 months of coma....
I look aside and checked the calendar,its september...last time i had seen him was in mid june,with his wooden stick held high...then i can't remember...
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.....
I smiled again....
You are impossible...At hardest of moment you like to smile...everytime I used to love it but today I hate it...For this you are here,in hospital...
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...
I tried to hold her hand...she reflexed back...!!
I tried again....she let me hold this time...
I spoke at last.....
'Smriti'...
'what?'...
'He is my father.....and he has no one other than me"
Smriti left me alone that day too though not with anger but with a faint smile....
I'm happy still...